so much to say, and there is enough time. and so it goes.....

So my cousin just sent me this heartfelt and real message on facebook and it made me think. Here's an excerpt "Think about all the things you have done in darkness or the skeletons that you may have in your closet bc we all keep them from our loved ones because we are ashamed."

I've been asking God for change in my life and telling him that i am ready. But recently, i finally listened and heard the signs saying that i am indeed not as ready as i say i am. I'm saying that i'm ready for change but my actions speak/show otherwise. So until my actions show change is only when i will receive the change that i am asking for in God's time. It's just as simple as it reads. Until i make the changes i want to see in myself can there truly be a real change to my existence in life. Too much has been going on in the past month and i have told myself not to worry, and i'm not. I know very well that patience is a virtue and i'm not on my time, i'm on HIS. As much as i would like instant gratification right now it wouldn't seem as sweet when it does arrive if i do not wait for it. My situation right now isn't as bad as others i've been through and i still fought throughout it all and came out VICTORIOUS THROUGH HIM.

Be blessed,
P&P

Five Fun Facts

1. i sucked on my two fingers from birth up until 10th grade, age 14 for me. my mother told me that i was rarely breastfed and was never fed from a bottle (only if you knew the tactics and methods my fam/dentist tried to use to get me to stop )
2. i killed my mom's cat unknowingly when i was younger. it wasn't a deliberate action, it just simply happened by mistake. and then i lied about it afterwards because i knew my mom would be hurt. we buried it in the yard... years later my sister and i dug it up and the dead cat was milky and you could see the bones
3. I performed in the 5th grade talent show. i was one of the back up singers/dancers in our take of Brandy Ft Monica "The Boy Is Mine" i also sang a duet with Nathalie Herrera and we performed Celine Dion's theme song to Titanic. In 6th grade, my elementary school called both Nathalie and I back to perform for parents.
4. i got in house suspension in 5th grade for crossing out Ms. Trinh's face on the class picture including putting needles on her chair for her to sit on
5. i threatened two girls in 6th grade because they didn't want to be my friend =/

6. this isn't really about me but... a gun has been held in front of my little sister's face by armed robbers. and because she had to witness that at such a young age i love her much more and would never wish that on anyone. God was truly with her and her nanny.


now you know... so love me more =)

Wed & Thurs

I just finished catching up on last week's episode of Lost and Grey's Anatomy. And i have to say that it was the best episodes ever out of all seasons. I'm always at the edge of my seat yelling at the t.v when i watch Lost, but Grey's did it for me because by the end of the episode i was in tears. There is nothing like good t.v i tell you. Now i have to wait until the fall for the new season of Lost :-(

Sweet Serenity

:-)

On some days i really hate my job and dred coming to it. On other days i like my job because it's real chill and most of the time i end up doing what i want to do. I can never seem to come up with a straight answer for this question but here it is; would you rather do what you love and get paid little for it, or hate what you do and get paid great for it??

Well you have enough drive to pull it through [with whatever you decide to do]. Rayski you don't know how much those words helped me make my decision. Thank you and i love you much

MIMS

Music is NOT my saviour but there is just something about it that works for me. For every mood/emotion i'm feeling, there is a song that describes it perfectly, gets me through it, and even gives me alternatives. It's just real. I love jazz, old school, rock, country, gospel, new school, up and coming, and definitely underground. Eclectic, that's it!!!


moving on...
It's spring break and i'm working everyday of it. I work for LAUSD and almost every other popular site is blocked so there isn't much i can do to kill time. I used to know the codes to bypass the blocks back in h.s but i don't remember them anymore. So what do i do to kill time? Apart from listening to my talkative co-worker, i watch movies and get hip to more new music. While you're busy sleeping, i'm busy making $$. Holla at your guala (wth is a guala?)

For some reason I can't see myself or my life playing out in Cali. Cali just isn't the place for me. I've been saying that I'm getting out of cali for a while now, since high school for that matter, and the more I travel, the more I look forward to a new path. And right now, the east coast is most likely where I'm headed, for my masters and who knows what will follow thereafter.

sidebar:: i love the show Harlem Heights. Not so much the drama but more so the concept of it being about African American college graduates making a way for themselves. It soo much better than the crap they call Baldwin Hills, womp!!

Dreams are real

I had a dream that you were doing okay. Your hair had even grown out and it looked like you had curls. We hugged and we cried together. I told you about everything that has been going on since your passing. Someone asked you if you knew who your killer was and you said no. In my dream, i wanted to be by your side and be your comforter i didn't want you to leave us -this world, again. I told you how much myself and everyone loved you and you said "i know." You asked about how your friends and family were doing and i told you that they were doing much better than before. You asked about Kyle and when i told you that he took it very hard you started crying again. Then you mentioned someone else but i didn't know the person. You looked around for your mom, but i don't remember if you found her. I told you about how we were at the Sigma party and Nez was giving you a shout out throughout the night and how me, Tuck, and Lavelle 2-stepped to a song that Nez had dedicated to you. You were even wearing the red jacket that i last saw you with on the night you died. Some girl asked you were you had been for a year, she didn't know. You kept reassuring me that you were doing fine. And i believe it.

That dream felt so real.

March 28

::sigh::
A year ago today i lost a very good best friend of mine, CC. I don't think anyone really understands how much i was hurt by his passing. How can someone that i just saw at my dorm sipping on some and cracking jokes be gone a couple hours later? I remember Kenny being frustrated and kept on saying that we were wasting time sitting in my dorm because he wanted to get to the party. I remember the words that were said the last night i was with you (the night of), i remember what you had on, i remember it all. I even remember the fact that i aimed you at 1:14am for Samantha because she wanted to know where you were and if you were still coming back to the Ridge. I've had you and Kenny's name in my away message for a year now, not once taking it off. I told myself that i would though, when a year was up. Lol, Stephen would even hit me up saying "why cc ain't on your away anymore?" and i would say "he is, aim is trippin and not showing the whole thing." I miss you soooo much that my words cannot even express how i feel. I remember the nights in Kamall's room where the two of you would be freestyling and clowning on each other. I remember the one Saturday that Lisa and I came over and Nez was in the kitchen throwing down and i had to step in to make sure he was doing the right thing. I miss the nights we would all hang out chillin doing nothing but chopping it up. Lol, i even remember the night you and Trisha smoked together on the balcony. And then i remember when you would tell me that you were stressed out and how much you loved your Mother. I can't help but smile as i think back on the good times and talks we've had. I remember Trisha asking you what CC was short for and you said you couldn't tell us, so we said we would call you Chocolate Cakes. I remember when you would do your stripper dances and said your stripper name would be Chocolate Thunder. And how all the time you were always brushing your waves and i still have the brush you left over. The last thing you wrote was on the paper i had hanging on the wall and you signed your name on it. I remember that after the party i was standing outside taking pictures and you told me not to take any of you, chump. I miss the rides in the Impala. I miss you dearly and would do anything to have you with me here again. We all miss you.


R.I.P Clifton Hibbert & Kenneth Patterson
1986-2008 1985-2008
<3 always

my fragile heart

i miss having a diary to write in sometimes, and then i remember that just the thought of it sounds nice but the reality is that i will be too lazy to even pick up a pen and jot down my thoughts. So what happens now? I think and continue to think to the point where it makes me tired and overwhelmed. And then i remembered that i have a blog and it's purpose is to serve as an open me sort of and kind of, plus its easier for me to type and much faster (majority of the time while i'm at work i do nothing, so i'm turning the nothing into something; blogging).

"Fantasy is what people want, but reality is what they need, and I've just retired from the fantasy part..." I've quoted this quote too many times that you would think i understood what it means-and i do, but [there's always a but] it always sounded good to say it and hear it. Remember when Prof. Carter was giving out quotes at the end of Summer Bridge? well mine was "Listening isn't always hearing" [i'm going off tangent here] and it refers to this case. Any who, recent events and predicaments have made me think of the fantasy quote by my favorite artist of all time Lauryn Hill and it has helped. I find that i am the most happy when people around me are happy [not once thinking and doing for myself] but that just has to do with my meek [hey now, the meek shall inherit the earth] spirit. Self love, what is it? You truly have to learn to love/know yourself before you give it off to someone else. Know what makes you happy, what makes you who you are and why you are. You have to learn to know what it's like to be alone before you go running off to someone for comfort and companionship. But are you/we really alone? Come back to your first love, Jesus! Unlike the many worthless people around, he will never forsake you and even when you turn your back on him he's still around. Even though it feels so much better to think of fantasies rather than to face the harsh reality of truth we fail to recognize that as much as we fantasize, it still is what is is, only a fantasy. Not everything can be smooth and easy and that is why i am facing reality with an armor on and i am ready to go! [i had a whole lot more to say but i've lost all the train of thought i had going on. so i'm going to leave and try to unscramble the words in my head hoping they make sense]

sidenote: Trh i miss our late night talks about reality and what makes us happy and who we want to be :-(

He'll never put more on me than i can bare.. and that's real

p&p

R.I.P Diron

Diron was a beautiful person, i know for a fact that there isn't one person that he hasn't been able to touch with his jokes and make laugh. in bldg 3 rm 212 was the last time we ALL hung out together before summer break, and where Diron would always come over to eat chicken tacos. in that same building down the hall was where Diron's room was. where i would come over to get trash bags, watch the boys play nba live and before i could even get comfortable Diron was already kicking me out telling me "its roomy night, you can't be here right now leeavvee." Tomorrow isn't promised. And with that said i love you all. Don't hold on to grudges, forgive and forget. One thing about me is that when i get mad, i'm mad for the moment and then i get over it. Life indeed is too short to stay upset. Smile all you can, cry only when you need to. Learn to love those who hate and don't love you. Don't forget that Jesus continued to have love for those who doubted him, and if you know the story then you know that it was a lot of them and still are.


R.I.P Diron Rivers "The Greatest"


<3 Uyi

hmm

So lets see... what's been up? Nothing at all! School starts tomorrow, same day as President Obama's Inauguration. I'm too ready for school to start, it means to me that I'm getting closer to getting out of CSUN and out of Cali. Trisha moved out :-( so now its just me and Samantha left. I had a mini photoshoot two weeks ago for Sorrela with ma famille. I've got the biggest cut on my ankle, its like a piece of skin is missing, nasty. I've been stepping out of character lately in the past week. Smh back to the basics.

Buh bye

Btw; R.I.P Martin Luther King Jr.

pANDp

when you think like them you become like them so think ahead and above of them. thank you.

dictionary.com

par⋅a⋅noi⋅a (noun) :

1. baseless or excessive suspicion of the motives of others.
2. Extreme, irrational distrust of others.
3. a tendency on the part of an individual or group toward excessive or irrational suspiciousness and distrustfulness of others

Note: In popular terminology, a “paranoid” personality is characterized by suspicion and distrust of others; a tendency to look for hidden meaning behind other people's actions; argumentativeness; complaining; low tolerance for criticism; and a constant display of one's own talents, accomplishments, independence, and rationality.