I was harboring hate and shame deep down in my heart. It was to the
point where i wasn't even trying to pray to God to rid me of this
hatred. I wanted to hate and be angry at the person that caused me to
feel this way. So i went on for months this way...until i went to a
women's conference and the speaker spoke on forgiving. See, the thing is
that if you forgave then you wouldn't hate. If you truly forgave and
let go of the hurt, pain, and whatever else you're holding on to, God
will work on you and heal your broken heart, loose you of strong hate,
and bless you with love and compassion. But i wasn't trying to do any of
that. I'm telling you that i wanted to be angry. I felt that i need to
and had the right to be angry and filled with hate. But what i didn't
realize was that with me being angry, i was giving the person and the
devil much more power over my life and emotions and the person didn't
even know i was feeling this way towards them.
So here i
am sitting at this conference being moved by the presence and word of
God when all of a sudden the message turned to forgiveness. I was like,
'oh, heck no, nope, not me.' My quick reaction to forgiving wasn't me
being stubborn, it was my guilt and shame. I was feeling guilty because i
spent so much time justifying to myself why i deserved to be angry and
not enough time uplifting myself and praying to God about my feelings.
The bible says, cast your burdens onto Jesus for he cares for you. I was
feeling alone. I felt alone. I was alone. Although i was praying to God
regularly there was a drape over my eyes that failed me to see that the
only relationship that mattered is the one with my heavenly father.
Past relationships are no longer, and if i don't reconcile my
relationship with God there will be no future relationships with anyone
else, whether it be family, friends, etc.
I sat in my seat in the audience fighting back tears.
The
guest pastor asked for us to write down all of the things we've done
and people who have hurt us that need to be forgiven. I wrote down a
list of things and struggled to write down the one name that i needed to
forgive to be able to move on. I fought with myself about writing the
name down. It wasn't just writing the name that was hard, it was
everything that the name meant to me. It was my past, it was my pain, it
was everything that made me become who i was at a point in my life. It
was like i had the angel on my right shoulder and the devil on my other.
I took a deep breath and wrote the name down on the sheet of paper. I
knew that this was it. I later came to realize that the reason why i did
not want to forgive and still have hate and hurt in my heart was
because i was looking for an apology from this person. This was the only
type of closure i told myself i needed --a sincere apology. When i
wrote the name down on the sheet of paper, i knew then that i wouldn't
spend the rest of my life waiting for an apology but would instead spend
the rest of my life resting on God's word and protection. We were asked
to all come to the alter with our lists. On the alter stood a cross.
The cross is significant for the Son of Man; John 3:16. I dropped my
note at the foot of the cross and walked past it. My worries and pain is
not for me to bare. That is why Jesus died on the cross. WE are
forgiven. I am forgiven. Who am I to hate someone and not be willing to
forgive them when God gave up his son so that WE could be free of sin.I
walked past the cross and did not look back. I am forgiven and I have
forgiven. The pain, hate, and hurt that i was carrying is no longer
there. In me lies, love, peace, and joy. I can forgive because Jesus
lives and has forgiven.
I forgive you.
Thank God for life.
p&P
